22 February 2009

Letter to Sol Kerzner on the Dubai Atlantis whale shark

You need to be warned that packs of anorak-wearing, fish-hugging eco freaks are demanding that you release your whale shark from its tank at the Atlantis on the spurious grounds that it would be happier in the sea.

Oy vey, what nonsense! For a start, whale sharks absolutely love being looked at. The females, especially. In Mozambique, they come right up to your boat and won’t move out of the way until you get in the water and swim with them. There is nothing they like more than showing off their big mouths and letting people ride on their backs, which is also typically female behaviour.

Whale of a time for fish-huggers
The Times South Africa 22 Feb 09

To: Sol Kerzner — Chairman of Kerzner International

From: Ben Trovato — Chairman of Trovato International

Dear Sol,

Jagshemash! Who would have thought that a skinny Lithuanian Jewish kid from Troyeville could go so far? One minute your mother is shouting at you to finish your cheese blintz and the next you’re living on Paradise Island in the Bahamas about to finish your latest multi-gazillion dollar hotel.

I was hoping to bump into you at the opening of the Atlantis hotel in Dubai but the mentally deficient wombats who work at our Post Office must have lost my invitation. Anyway, we can catch up when you come to Cape Town for the opening of your One & Only resort at the V&A Waterfront later this year.

I read that the style of the new seven-star hotel “will reflect African culture and heritage with the rooms being spacious, elegant and comfortable”. You’ve nailed it perfectly, Sol. It will be like a home away from home for your township guests.

Anyway, let me not get distracted. You need to be warned that packs of anorak-wearing, fish-hugging eco freaks are demanding that you release your whale shark from its tank at the Atlantis on the spurious grounds that it would be happier in the sea.

Oy vey, what nonsense! For a start, whale sharks absolutely love being looked at. The females, especially. In Mozambique, they come right up to your boat and won’t move out of the way until you get in the water and swim with them. There is nothing they like more than showing off their big mouths and letting people ride on their backs, which is also typically female behaviour. Like whale sharks everywhere, your girl is a narcissistic show-off who would be thoroughly miserable without all the attention foisted on her by visitors.

You probably don’t need my advice, but I suggest you dig into the petty cash and pay these weasel-faced shark lovers to turn a blind eye. It worked in ’86 with George Matanzima and it worked with Lucas Mangope. I know you’re a man who likes to move with the times, but the old ways often work the best.

I see on your website that your core value is, “blow away the customer”. If these limp-wristed do-gooders don’t back off, you might want to consider changing your core value to, “blow away the whale shark”. A couple of 400kg Torpex depth charges heaved over the side of the tank should do it. That’ll teach them to mess with Sol Kerzner.

By the way, I saw Anneline in Camps Bay the other day. She looked stunning. Say hi to Heather for me.

Mazeltov!

— Ben Trovato

1 comment:

  1. We recently had a discussion about sharks in captivity on southern fried science. Check it out at
    http://southernfriedscientist.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/ethical-debate-sharks-in-captivity/

    ReplyDelete

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